is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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