I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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