I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
