remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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