Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
