I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
