Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
