I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
