sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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