wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
