I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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