my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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