The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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