I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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