so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
