I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
