everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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