Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
