Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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