hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Hello my rib-scented angel!
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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