im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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