just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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