I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
