it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
