Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
