i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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