My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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