Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
did i walk over a car last night?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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