I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
