Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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