For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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