what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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