Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
