I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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