What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He felt like a one man threesome
He passed out mid-signature
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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