I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
