Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
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