You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
