I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
