I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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