this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
our cab driver is having phone sex.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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