I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
