My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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