After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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