This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
