so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
