I puked a lego.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
