he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
