We're facebook friends in real life
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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