Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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