Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
