Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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